


slipping deeper into a personal abyss of complete calamity

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Confusion, Davetav - freeform, M/M, Major Character Injury, poemfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 04:06:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1591049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i don't feel<br/>empty<br/>i just feel<br/>dull.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

he’s always  
rapping at his friends  
about silly   
things like apple juice  
and puppets.

i don’t really  
talk  
to him  
i’m scared  
scared of the inky-black,  
player-looking,  
friend-given,  
ironic  
shades.

i sit with  
gamzee   
and  
karkat  
at lunch  
they don’t notice  
me looking  
over my shoulder.

i don’t feel  
empty  
i just feel  
dull.

vriska serket   
trips me  
and i go tumbling  
down  
down  
down.

it’s so  
white here,  
and with all these voices  
mingling  
i could swear  
i almost heard  
him  
rapping about  
silly things  
like apple juice   
and puppets.


	2. Chapter 2

“you are  
p  
a  
r  
a  
l  
y  
z  
e  
d”  
i don’t think  
i’ll be  
going to school  
tomorrow.

that means  
i won’t  
see him tomorrow  
but  
that’s okay  
because it’s not like  
i’m  
dependent on him  
or anything  
right?

who  
cares, he  
doesn’t even know  
i exist.

i open my eyes  
to find  
an  
empty room  
with some flowers  
left on the bedside table  
red dahlias,  
my favorites  
because jade taught me  
how to garden  
and  
i always thought  
red  
was the  
prettiest  
color.

but   
the red  
i want  
to drink in  
with open fingertips,  
and burning eyes,  
is only remnants   
at the bottom of a glass  
because that red  
is already   
taken.


	3. Chapter 3

kanaya  
stops by, saying  
“tavros, are you feeling  
okay?”

i say  
fine, perfect,  
it’s not that bad  
but it is   
because i don’t feel  
like i can walk  
to him  
with only  
bumps  
instead of   
legs

the hospital  
checks up on me  
at 10 pm  
saying  
“time to go to sleep,  
dearie,  
you’ll feel better   
in the morning”  
i smile  
and say okay  
then lay my head on a pillow  
and shut my eyes  
so they can pretend  
i’m sleeping.

i stay up  
and the clock says  
2 am  
and i let  
myself sit  
in my own arms  
because no one  
cares enough  
to try to see me  
this late  
at night.

because i should  
be sleeping  
like they told me  
to.

if they told me  
to die  
would i?


	4. Chapter 4

two weeks pass  
and i have  
legs  
again  
but they’re not  
my own  
they’re copies  
of what  
should’ve been there.

it’s all her fault  
vriska’s fault  
it is  
her fault and  
vriska should not  
have pushed me and  
it is _her  
fault._

when i get to school  
i see her  
and she waves  
laughing  
at the imitations  
beneath my body  
and my  
eyes flare  
and i walk over  
and my self esteem  
is towering up  
i can’t see it  
anymore  
and i tell her  
it was  
 _her  
fault._

the bruise   
on my face is too  
but the missing lens  
in her glasses  
and the other  
shattered one  
is my fault  
so i guess  
i’m okay  
with this.

he glances  
at me in the hallway  
and i try not  
to burn my face  
and fail  
but it’s okay  
he looked away  
because who wants to look at  
someone like  
me?


	5. Chapter 5

i feel  
strange   
in the lunchroom  
today.

karkat's  
not here right now  
and  
i don't know why  
but i know  
gamzee  
is so drained  
because  
he's tired  
just like me  
so i let him  
lean on me  
for  
a little while.

i see sollux  
glaring at me  
out of  
the corner of my eye  
but  
i ignore it  
because   
my self-loathing  
comes first  
and gamzee  
second  
and i was lying  
because he  
isn't rapping  
about silly things  
like apple juice  
and puppets.

so i guess  
my self-loathing   
comes first  
then   
the shades-wearing,  
ironic-talking,  
silly-rapping,  
him.


	6. Chapter 6

there's  
a school play  
coming up  
it's about  
peter pan  
and that's my  
favorite story  
from my childhood  
but  
no one knows that  
because   
no one cares.

i go to auditions  
just to see  
who's there  
i'm not  
going to try  
for a lead  
because i know  
peter pan  
still had  
both his legs.

i see aradia megido  
trying for wendy  
and i smile for her  
because  
she's nice  
and she deserves  
a big part.

i see eridan ampora  
trying for captain hook  
and i supress a giggle  
because he  
would be the  
perfect  
hook.

i see  
him  
trying for peter pan  
and i sit there  
wondering   
if he's being ironic  
or if he means it  
when the teacher asks him  
if he really does  
want the part  
and he looks at me  
and nods.


	7. Chapter 7

i leave  
before tryouts  
finish  
because  
i think i'm turning so red  
i fit in  
with the crimson  
theater seats  
in the auditorium.

i walk home  
not realizing  
how late it is  
but i realize  
when i get home   
and hear  
yelling all the way  
from the street.

please, not rufioh,  
he's too nice, he's not supposed to be hurt!  
i think  
running inside  
but   
he is  
and smiles at me  
with a bloody eye  
and as our "father"  
whacks him with a   
broken beer bottle  
he mouths the words  
"run"

i do  
i run away  
into the streets  
and i don't know  
where i can go  
so i collapse,  
beneath the streetlamp  
and my eyelids droop  
as an orange HumVee  
stops  
in front of me  
and i hear two people  
get out  
but i'm tired  
so they  
can wait.


	8. Chapter 8

i wake up  
late next morning  
in a foreign bed  
in a foreign room  
in a foreign house.

i don't want  
to get up  
but i do  
and pull my legs on again  
because someone  
had taken them off  
so i could sleep  
peacefully.

there's a man  
with pointy shades  
sipping orange crush  
watching me  
as i stumble out  
i still haven't   
gotten used  
to these legs  
yet.

"so you're dave's friend,  
huh?"  
i sputter back  
uh, i guess,  
because we've never really talked  
before, so i don't know  
if we can be considered  
something as close as  
friends.

i thank the man  
who winks and goes back to his soda  
and i make sure to leave  
just as another door  
opens, and someone steps out  
saying  
"gone already?"


	9. Chapter 9

and i run  
run like rufioh told me to  
back to our house  
and i hear him  
behind me  
but i forgot  
like a stupid, stupid brother  
i forgot  
about  
rufioh.

when i get home  
no one's there  
yet   
someone is  
and the ocean  
slips down my face  
silently  
pattering onto the floor  
because our  
"father's" gone  
but someone's here  
just  
that someone  
isn't  
breathing.

this   
is how you do CPR, right?  
i hope so  
he can't be gone  
it's not time  
for him  
to join mom yet  
it's not time it's not time  
it's not his  
 _time._

911 answers as  
he rambles out something  
i can't understand  
i'm just laying here  
with rufioh  
because  
you shouldn't leave  
things you love  
alone  
or else  
someone  
might   
steal  
them.


	10. Chapter 10

foreign faces  
pull him away  
and no, no  
he's mine, my brother  
not yours  
let go, let go!

and my eyes  
dilate   
like cats do  
because nepeta told me about them once  
and how  
a kitten in the wild  
is dead  
without  
a guardian.

i don't know  
whose arms these are  
they're not mine  
i know  
but they're   
around me  
so i nestle deeper  
into them  
and wish  
i could replay life  
and go back  
and not forget  
about rufioh because  
it was my fault this time  
i fucked up  
no one else.

it was my fault  
i saw  
my fault my fault my fault  
because   
it was  
and   
this isn't like Fiduspawn  
where  
we both  
have extra lives  
this   
is real  
life.


	11. Chapter 11

i stay  
in this house  
locked up  
without my new legs  
because i don't like them  
they don't  
fit   
well  
so i just  
crawl around  
on my own.

someone leaves food out   
for me  
i don't know who  
but i think they live here too  
because the other side  
of the bed  
is always rumpled.

one day  
i don't want to get up  
i do anyway  
though  
because i have to live  
for rufioh  
because it was my fault  
so i have to show him  
the things he didn't see in life  
because he can see me  
because there is no way  
he didn't go  
to heaven.

i limp  
outside,  
and sit on the porch  
and he sits with me  
and i lean on him  
and he leans on me  
and we sit there  
and even though  
i still wish  
i hadn't forgotten  
rufioh;  
this  
is okay.


	12. Chapter 12

one day  
he walks up to me  
and picks me up  
puts me on  
a chair  
and sits  
opposite me  
then says  
"you can't limp around  
forever, so  
i got you  
something."

he brings out  
a wheelchair  
and even though  
it's just a chair  
with two big wheels on the sides  
i smile wider  
than i have   
in a long time.

and he sits me in that wheelchair  
and we go for a walk  
because the outside world  
is dull  
when all you can do in it  
is crawl.

the sun  
lazes around down  
to the horizon   
and we sit  
side by side  
him on bench  
me in chair  
and i turn to ask him  
something but it's  
lost in my mind  
because he turns  
too and  
takes the  
opportunity.


	13. Chapter 13

he's   
soft  
and   
warm  
and everything  
my mind  
couldn't   
imagine.

because while i always thought  
he would be all  
hard edges,  
and angled limbs,  
he's really only  
soft  
soft  
skin.

and i know  
he lives here  
that night because  
he's   
definitely  
not at home  
right now.

and he looks alarmed  
when i cry  
onto that  
soft, soft  
skin  
saying  
"what's wrong?"

and all i can do is  
cry  
and  
cry  
because i think  
this is what that one teacher  
was talking about  
when in our religion unit  
she told us about  
nirvana.


	14. Chapter 14

i've heard him  
rap  
but  
this is new  
so i settle down  
and listen  
smiling

"you don't have to try   
running from each other  
i read your eyes  
you don't have to bother   
maybe we'll survive   
if we don't discover   
one life ties to another

cause the world won't turn   
if the sun won't rise   
and the stars won't burn   
in a broken sky

and the wind won't surf   
if the ocean's dry   
and my heart won't work   
if you say goodbye

if you say goodbye   
if you say goodbye   
if you say goodbye   
my heart's in trouble

i'd rather die   
holding one another   
your hand in mine   
it's easy and it's not for   
understanding why   
the world is out of color   
one life ties to another

cause the world won't turn   
if the sun won't rise   
and the stars won't burn   
in a broken sky

and the wind won't surf   
if the ocean's dry   
and my heart won't work   
if you say goodbye

if you say goodbye   
if you say goodbye   
if you say goodbye   
my heart's in trouble"


	15. Chapter 15

at one point  
i thought i'd join  
rufioh  
but i think  
now  
that this  
this is okay.

if my life was written  
into a story  
it'd be written in raps  
because normal phrases  
can't understand  
this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a song.  
>  I take pairing requests for these poemfics.


End file.
